Love is something can not be explained, yet it is all something we strive to obtain. Most of us have been raised to have a set goal to fall in love with one person and start a family filled with love. What is odd, everyone has a different definition of love. "Love" is a word with a multitude of meanings. To say you love your mother is different from saying you love your shoes or you love your romantic partner or you love chocolate donuts (Feenstra, 2011). To fall "in love" with someone is a process. There are various components to falling in love.
A variety of factors exist that help determine our liking of others. We like those we see or interact with often, as the mere-exposure effect predicts. We also like those who are attractive. Although we would prefer to interact with those who are attractive, we usually end up with those who are similar to us in attractiveness, as proposed by the matching hypothesis. We tend to like those who are similar to us in values and interests rather than those who are different. We prefer to not overbenefit or underbenefit in a relationship but have a relationship characterized by equity. We also tend to like those who like us and only us (Feenstra, 2011). We like to spend time with people we can talk with because we have same opinions as them or we love to stay and mingle with people that show same interest as us. If you love going to clubs or malls, you might end up with people that does the same and loves doing the same thing. Any similarities can be a good point to start a relationship whether it is platonic or romantic (Neimeyer & Mitchell, 1988). The need to belong has two factors, frequent contact and enduring connections. Evidence of this need is seen in our ease of forming and reluctance in ending relationships. The need is also evident in our happiness when we have social bonds and the negative emotions (anger, sadness) associated with lack of connection. Deprivation is associated with mental and physical health detriments. In loneliness we may interact with others, but do not feel that we have a close connection to anyone (Feenstra, 2011).
Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love breaks down love into categories. In a nutshell, the Triangular Theory of Love defines “love” as being composed of 3 qualities, passion, intimacy, and commitment (Kantra). Intimacy is the friendship or specialness of the relationship. The feelings of closeness, bondedness, connectedness, trust, and friendship in the relationship. Passion is the excitement or energy of the relationship. The feelings of physical attraction, romance, and arousal (particularly sexual arousal) in the relationship. Commitment is the “business aspect” of the relationship. This includes all the shared investments, or the “history,” of the relationship, such as decisions, experiences, and adjustments (Kantra). It takes a certain combination of all three aspects to really fall in love. The 3 components, then, can produce 8 types of love:
1. “Friendship”- Intimacy Only (No Passion or Commitment) – Can be summed up as having intimacy with one another, feeling close, & trusting one another.
2. “Infatuation”- Passion Only (No Intimacy or Commitment) – This tends to be a superficial relationship that is one-sided, where the couple are temporarily ga-ga over one another. In Hollyword, this is known as a “whirlwind romance.”
3. “Empty Love”- Commitment Only (No Passion or Intimacy) – This is most often an older relationship where the passion and intimacy have died…like “falling out of love.”
4. “Romantic Love”- Intimacy & Passion (No Commitment) – This can be a blossoming relationship where the couple feel like best friends (“friends with benefits”). As experiences grow with one another, this type of love may develop Commitment.
5. “Companionate Love”- Intimacy & Commitment (No Passion) – Again, this usually occurs in older relationships where the couple remain best friends, but no longer feel passion for one another. This type of love can still be very satisfying and long-lasting.
6. “Fantasy Love”- Passion & Commitment (No Intimacy) – This is a feeling of love because the couple wants to be in love…but they really have little in common.
7. “Non-Love”- All Sides Absent (No Passion, Intimacy or Commitment) – Basically, this type of relationship is of just an acquaintance.
8. “Complete or Consummate Love”- (All Sides Present) – The best of all types, the “ideal relationship,” that all couples would like to achieve.
Having the matching components to fall "in love" is difficult to find. Many of us dream to find it and make it last for a lifetime. Many of us think we may have already found it. Again, love has many definitions to people, so being in love and staying in love is a huge challenge that a majority of people want to take on.
References:
Kantra, D. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://psychdigest.com/what-type-of-love-do-you-have-with-your-partner/
Feenstra, J. (2011). Introduction to social psychology. Bridgepoint Education, Inc. Retrieved from www.bridgepointeducation.com
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